Ho Ho, No
by Person4
Summary: Three of Townsville's citizens write letters to Santa.  Originally written for the ppg hub drabble community on livejournal.
1. Jumping To the Good List

**Author's Note:** This story is meant to have strike text in it, but this site doesn't allow it, so rather than strip out the gag I went for the closest imitation possible here and put a dash between each letter. This (and the other two letters) was originally written for the ppg-hub-drabble community on livejournal, and you can see it in its proper form if you head over that way if you want.

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Hey, Santa,

Man, I canﾒt believe I let Billy talk me into doing this. If some chucklehead down at the post office cracked into this and is yukking it up over a member of the Gangreen Gang still believing in Santy Claus, youﾒd better just _hope_ I never find out about it.

Anyways! Big Billy wants you to know itﾒs his first year being a good boy in a long time, so he hopes youﾒll get him something extra special, anﾒ he hopes you donﾒt mind heﾒs getting me to do this for him since he donﾒt write so good. I tried telling him ﾓBilly, like five million moms do this for their kids every freaking year before they get old enough to write him themselves. If the fat man in the red suitﾒs really up there heﾒs gotta be used to it,ﾔ but you try getting a new idea into Billyﾒs head.

He says heﾒs like a pair of sunglasses... a sunglass... whatever the -h-e-l-l- heck theyﾒd be called because nobody makes them for guys with one eye but he knows your elves can do anything. And heﾒd like a

You have _got_ to be kidding me.

I canﾒt believe Iﾒm even writing this down. Big Billy would like a Powerpuff Girls Playset, the kind where the dolls have real punching action and hooks on their backs to attach to that spinning thing and make it look like theyﾒre flying. But donﾒt knock yourself out trying to fill that one, Santa. Seriously.

Oh, now _that__ﾒ__s_ more like it. Heﾒd also like the Powerpuff Girls Villainﾒs Playset featuring The Gangreen Gang with... realistic junkyard stink? What the -f-u- -h-e-l- _frick?_ What I get my hands on those toy designers Iﾒll... do, uh, something totally legal that wonﾒt get the gang stuck back on the naughty list. Sue ﾑem for slander, or libel, or whatever the heck it is.

So thatﾒs Billyﾒs list, but, you know, if you wanna think about doing something for the rest of the boys theyﾒve all been trying real hard to turn things around after that whole Sedusa mess. And Iﾒm sure youﾒll forgive the couple of times theyﾒve screwed up since then Iﾒm sure you understand. I mean, youﾒre _Santa Claus_, youﾒre all about forgiving sins and all that kinda bull, right? So Grubber could seriously use some winter clothes, or at least some freaking boots to wear, and I bet all the guys would like some new games for around hideout, and Li'l Arturo... man, what am I telling you this junk for? Youﾒre Santa, I bet you can figure it out on your own.

Assuming youﾒre up there, and arenﾒt just Postmistress Doris laughing her head off over the stupid ex-villains still writing to Santa. But Iﾒm pretty sure I remember the Powerpuff Girls fighting you... or doing something anyway, ﾑcause fighting Santa seriously doesnﾒt sound like something theyﾒd get up to, a few years back, so Iﾒll just assume the real deal is getting this.

-A-c-e-

I mean,

Big Billy


	2. A Few Suggestions

Dear Santa,

Boy, I hope this time you do better than last year.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure you put a lot of thought into that present, though I don't know what it could have been. I mean, I'm sure lots of dogs would have loved that chew toy, even if it didn't even have a squeaker. I'm sure that tough plastic hiding inside the soft plushie exterior would just have hurt my mouth. It's not like the delightful squeaky noise would have been worth a little discomfort. But, just for future reference you know, Santa, not because I'm complaining or anything, a small, easily lost or stolen, toy that gathers grime in its fur so easily in dirty places that no self-respecting dog would want to chew it isn't the best gift for a dog who's living all alone, out in the dirty streets, where there are lots of thieves and places where it's easy to lose small objects.

I'm just saying, is all.

So maybe this year you'd like to do something about that instead? Far be it for me to tell you how to do your job, but it sure seems like that would be a more useful present. I'm not asking for much, it's not like you're going pay much attention to someone who's just a dog anyway, just a nice place with friendly people, and a big warm bed, and lots of food. Real food, not the mushy stuff with loads of salt and no flavor. And a big yard for running around in. Not to brag or anything, but I try to keep in shape. Maybe you should give it a try sometime. Have you seen the statistics about diabetes in obese people? Not to be offensive, but with all those cookies you eat it should be a pretty big concern.

The time I spent with those girls was pretty fun. Maybe you could just leave a nice dog house in their backyard and point them my way when they're looking for someone to fill it. One with central heating, if it's not to much trouble. I know they wouldn't make me stay out in the cold snowy weather anyway, but if I ever try it out I wouldn't want to get frostbitten paws because you let your elves get away with doing substandard work. But if you do that maybe you could slip some breath mints into Buttercup's stocking for me. I have a very sensitive nose, you know.

Just a few suggestions, The Talking Dog

P.S. In case you decide to try that whole getting in shape thing, I left you skim milk and an apple instead of your usual snack. I hope you like them. I mean, it's pretty hard for a dog to get something like that, even one that can talk. And that's not even getting into how tough it is to pour the milk when you don't have opposable thumbs. But I guess I'll understand it if you don't eat them. I mean, you were expecting sugary treats, not health food, even if it is from someone just trying to look out for you a little. Because, boy! You really do need to start counting those calories.


	3. Asking For Coal

Dear Santa,

Iﾒve had a good long talk with my daddyﾒs lawyers, and they want you to know that youﾒll be hearing from them first thing on the 26th if you dare to put me on the naughty list again! If you read the attached forms Iﾒm sure youﾒll see just how sued youﾒll be if you even think about trying it; Iﾒm a minor child and canﾒt be held accountable for my actions!

So Iﾒd better find something under my Christmas tree that will let me beat all the Powerpuff Girls this year! Iﾒm not asking for much, Santa, just this one little tiny present; something thatﾒll let me scream louder than Bubbles, breathe colder than Blossom, and do something even weirder with my tongue than curling it! Thatﾒs right, I donﾒt just want to beat them, I want to beat them with their own special abilities! Theyﾒll have to let me into their stupid little superhero club then. I mean how dumb would you have to be to turn down somebody who beat them at all the things theyﾒre best at?

And do you know what will happen then, Santa? Iﾒll tell them _no_! I wonﾒt be a Powerpuff Girl even if they get down on their hands and knees and beg me, that ship has totally sailed and itﾒs all their own faults for turning me down so many times. Weﾒll see how _they_ like it when someone doesnﾒt want to hang out with them!

Youﾒd better make this happen, Santa. Just remember whatﾒs waiting for you if you donﾒt!

From the best girl in the world who totally deserves everything sheﾒs asking for, **Princess Morbucks **


End file.
